How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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