Don't make out with my wife yet
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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