Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
