fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
