when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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