At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
