Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
