I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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