he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
