Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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