seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
