I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
