don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
