He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
