I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
