She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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