best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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