Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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