first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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