I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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