is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
