Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
