i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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