Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
