he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
