Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
