Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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