I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
