How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
