OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
