No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
