i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
