I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
