i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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