Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
