I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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