Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize