In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize