My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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