She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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