He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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