We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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