I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
