He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize