just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
