The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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