He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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