Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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