I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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