At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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