Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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