he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
