hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
