Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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